Dear Mom

Dear Mom,
I miss you. My heart is breaking. For 25 years you were my very best friend. I could and did tell you anything. I remember how people used to tease us because we were so close, and I kind of liked it because it only meant they were jealous of the solid bond we had. Do you remember when I was little and you had to work nights, so I never got to see you. So we made Tuesday our special day. I would go to dance class and then come home, curl up in your bed, while Dad slept in mine, and waited for you to come home.

Then when I got older you would drop me off at school in the mornings on your way to work, and I never wanted to get out of the car. You would send me to school with 2 quarters, one to call you at 8:30a.m. when you arrived at work and another for me to call you again at lunch time. Those days I would get out of the car and go around to the side of the school building and cry. I would cry for almost an hour until it was 8:30 and I could talk to you.

When I grew up and got a job, we would sneak into the bathrooms at work and call each other through out the day. When I had those problems at work I would call crying from that bathroom and you would tell me to be strong, that I was a better person than they were because I wouldn't play their games. You could always calm me down enough that I could go back into my classroom with my head held high, knowing that I was a good person. I was a good teacher.

Remember when I met R and I started spending more of my time with him. You were jealous and I was torn. We adapted, though. That's when you pretended to be interested in my painting and signed us up for weekly classes. Every Monday night we would drive an hour into the country to the closest studio to us. I would sit and do my work while you sat next to me making your sarcastic comments and completely destroying any piece of art that was in front of you. I don't remember why we stopped doing that. The studio is gone now. They turned it into a thrift store.

You stood up for me no matter what. When it was time for me to step outside and begin carving a life of my own you supported me even though I knew you were hurting. I remember when you and I and Dad were standing in the kitchen and Dad and I were arguing because he didn't believe I should move in with R because we weren't married. I knew you had the same beliefs, but you stood by me and told Dad to let me go.

Remember that day I came home crying. You were upstairs sitting on your bed paying bills. I sat down next to you and between sobs told you that I was pregnant. You looked at me and asked me what I wanted to do. You hid my secret from Dad for weeks. Then you, the woman who was raised a strict Catholic and attended church three times a week came with me to hold me up when I went to the clinic and had an abortion. Never once did you yell. Never once did you criticize. Never once did you judge me. You only loved me.

A couple years later, you helped me to plan the wedding you didn't think I should go through with. I knew the way you felt, because I knew you too well, but you never said a word. Instead you dove in and helped me plan every last detail. After the ceremony you went home, sat on my bed and cried.

If it hadn't been for you, when R left I would have died. I would have literally died. You held me up. You fought for me when I couldn't fight for myself. You carried me through the blackness for a year until you were finally able to bring me back into the light.

Then I strayed. I stumbled and fell off the right path and onto one that would only lead to heartache and destruction. I know you would have pulled me back had you known, but by the time I came to you the pills had already consumed my life. I did terrible things to get the fix I thought I needed and in the process shattered everything that we had. I lied to you and I stole from you and I pushed you out of my life. I lost the most important thing I had ever had in my life.

Now we walk on egg shells around each other. Me longing for that bond back and you telling me it would never be the same. These days when we're together we sit side by side in silence. I tell you I love you and the only thing I hear back is whatever is on the television. I know it was my fault. I know the destruction I created. I would give anything to take it back. I'm lonely and I'm scared and every day that passes like this is one less day we will have together. I'm sorry. I know I can't say that enough and I know that they are only words but I don't know what else to do. I need you. My life is so empty without you. I know how badly you're hurting and I would give anything to be able to comfort you the way you had always comforted me. I'm sorry Mom. Please remember that no matter what happens I will always love you. I love you more than the moon and the stars and the sun.

With more love than you will ever know,
A